Waiting is hard.
Especially for this control freak.
Maybe that's why God does it, to stretch me.
“This is how God works. He puts people in positions where they are desperate for his power, and then he shows his provision in ways that display his greatness.” David Platt
Waiting....on so many things. Trying to be patient.
Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31
Reminding myself that God has brought us through so much more, why would He suddenly not? When I say it out loud it sounds ridiculous. Faith.
Once again, it comes down to Faith. My word for the year keeps popping up.
I take it as God reminding me.
He is faithful. He will not leave me, nor forsake me. Seems like such a "duh" statement. Of course He won't. Sometimes our heads and hearts don't meet up though and the doubt sets in.
That's where I am. Pushing down the doubt and stepping out in faith.
"These trials have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7
I have been listening to the lyrics of this song, over and over and trying to figure out why it is impacting me so strong and emotionally. I'm not home yet, and until that I live in a very broken world.
Injustice is real and evident and it stinks. It won't make sense until I am truly home.
I really never understood what people meant when they said things like that, "I'm not home yet". God has been working on my heart lately, showing me what it means to be "home" or want to be "home".
It all started in Haiti this past October. Walking to the village each day, we would hold babies and kiddos who were starving for attention and love. They were also starving for food, but we weren't allowed to help with that at that time.
Each child I held, I prayed silently for. I prayed God would have His hand of protection over them, that they would each have clean water and good food, and that they would have someone to love them and teach them about Jesus. That's it, simple.
This is a sweet boy named Davidson
Here is a story about him from the nurses in Haiti now:
"There’s nothing like a ray of sunshine to brighten ones day. At 10:00am yesterday morning I was greeted by one of my little buddies “Kesna” at our back door. Like most of our school children, I figured she was just sick. Instead she told me that “Davidson” is outside. Davidson is a little boy from our village that I have known since the first day I stepped into Chambrun back in July. He was the little baby you would find on the ground half naked, with dirt all in his mouth, without mom in site. When he found himself in one of our laps (Brooke, Aubs, Leslee or I) he would nuzzle in and fall asleep in minutes. We acknowledged him, held him,fed him, played with him, bathed him and most importantly loved on him. We earned his trust. Many days as we left the village to head back to campus, he’d cry.
About 2 months ago we noticed a decline in his health, so much that we became extremely concerned. His family had brought him into the clinic and we provided him with some medication and nutrition. A week or so later we noticed that Davidson wasn’t ever there during our visits. Family and friends told us that he and his mother had moved to another village. I was extremely saddened, for we no longer could monitor his health during our visits to the village. As we continued our visits in Chambrun, we’d come back always with an update on him. It wasn’t ever real encouraging news, which made it even more difficult. It got to the point where our friends from Chambrun also became concerned about his health. This past Sunday Aubree was able to talk with Pastor Pierre and share our concerns. After sharing her heart, Pastor also agreed that something needed to be done. For me it gave me a spark of hope, I thought to myself now we’re making progress. That afternoon we found ourselves in the village talking with his grandma and sharing our concern and how we can help. Now all that we could do is pray, wait and hope that the message would be shared with his mother and someone would bring him to the clinic before it was too late.
So here Brooke and I were 2 days after Aubree talked with Pastor; holding Davidson in our arms with such joy and hope in knowing that his life-story has many more chapters still to come. The process of intervening has begun. Davidson…our little ray of sunshine has found us again!
------ This is from Etienne and Brooke, serving in Haiti everyday. They are my heroes.
You know it's so easy to be moved by pictures, videos, and stories from people who have been to places of need. But this time it hurt.
I finally get it. Get what they talk about at church, about how trips change you. I had noticed changes upon coming back, but now it's different.
You see, when you touch, talk to, love on someone in need you have an emotional attachment to them. When you intercede in prayer for these sweet ones it takes it to a new level. I'm not home yet, that is why I have this ache in heart. My heart was made for heaven.
So when I read the story of Davidson, my heart hurt for him like never before.
Being a parent is the most challenging role in the world.
Persistant doubting questions:
"How much is too much discipline?"
"When do I show grace?"
"Boundaries are good, arent they?"
"God can use poor past choices for His glory right?"
"High expectations for achievement in school and extra-curricular is healthy, right?"
"Expected participation in a sport is good for the body, mind and spirit, correct?"
"How much money is too much money for those sport participation expectations?"
"I am just a steward of what I have, I mean, its not really mine anyway?"
"A lack of a healthy relationship with an earthly father will impact how I father?"
"Do I have what it takes to be a dad?"
I once started to read a book by John Eldridge where he stated that God wants those of us considered "fatherless" to run to Him with His arms wide open and jump into them and call Him "daddy". I couldnt finish that book.
When I try to picture this in my mind it grinds to a halt. I have trouble conceiving God as dad.
(Another post sometime about my Dads could be healing, but not now.)
I confess.
I have prayed the following more than once.
"Oh Lord, as a fatherless father I am clueless. I am a mess and have no idea what I am doing. Help. I need you."
All this as my Amy is away on a church winter retreat and I am repeatedly asking God to care for her and that I dont wanna mess up His work in her life. To be her Father in each and everyway in which I fall short. To meet the needs in her life of which I am not even remotely aware. Even the ones I am aware of, I feel inadequate.
Isnt this the essence of living by faith?
We were challenged this weekend at our church to live by faith like Gideon. To walk into battle against 135,000 midianites not with 32,000 fighting men but 300. To live like this is illogical and to some, foolish. Read it here for yourselves.
Being a parent is the most challenging role in the world.
